A satirical view of news from small town, America.
DISCLAIMER: Contents are fiction and intended for mature audiences.
"Satirical garbage, atrocious, obscene, and shameful." -local FOJ
"Anything but elegant" - Herald Palladium
"Contains some sophomoric content that many would find offensive" -Herald Palladium
Updated weakly, very weakly
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Monday, October 06, 2008
Does Daniel Shame moonlight in Orlando?
About a month later, Seminole planning officials cleared Holmes to run a volunteer organization out of the house. But they specifically prohibited ''outside storage of any materials'' unless she screened them from view.
By September 2007, Seminole County Sheriff's Office records show, a code-enforcement officer began filing violation reports against the property. Holmes contends that she began receiving visits from the officer even earlier.
Reports cited portable restrooms, an oversized truck, abandoned vehicles and overgrown grass. Holmes moved the nearly three-ton truck to a storage warehouse and cleaned up the debris and cars in the yard.
The seven-page file shows as of Sept. 26, Holmes had addressed her violations to the satisfaction of code officials. But the lien for previous infractions remains.
http://www.miamiherald.com/news/southflorida/story/713542.html
Too sad. The woman turned her life around after years of drug abuse. Now she gives away food, clothes, and furniture to those in need. And she is punished for her generosity because her nosy neighbors wouldn't stop gawking at her cluttered up property. Something's wrong in America when cleanliness is valued more than selflessness.
By September 2007, Seminole County Sheriff's Office records show, a code-enforcement officer began filing violation reports against the property. Holmes contends that she began receiving visits from the officer even earlier.
Reports cited portable restrooms, an oversized truck, abandoned vehicles and overgrown grass. Holmes moved the nearly three-ton truck to a storage warehouse and cleaned up the debris and cars in the yard.
The seven-page file shows as of Sept. 26, Holmes had addressed her violations to the satisfaction of code officials. But the lien for previous infractions remains.
http://www.miamiherald.com/news/southflorida/story/713542.html
Too sad. The woman turned her life around after years of drug abuse. Now she gives away food, clothes, and furniture to those in need. And she is punished for her generosity because her nosy neighbors wouldn't stop gawking at her cluttered up property. Something's wrong in America when cleanliness is valued more than selflessness.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The real thing:
Katie Couric: Why isn't it better, Gov. Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries; allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?
Gov. Sarah Palin: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping the -- it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.
And now for the spoof...
Katie Couric: Why isn't it better, Gov. Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries; allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?
Gov. Sarah Palin: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping the -- it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.
And now for the spoof...
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Friday, September 05, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Bristol Palin Faking Pregnancy for Mother, says web rumors.
Bristol Palin Faking Pregnancy for Mother?
According to rumors circulating on the internet, the recent revelation that Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's unmarried 17-year-old daughter Bristol Palin is pregnant is just a clever ploy hiding the truth about Alaskan Governor Palin's own pregnancy.
View more »
According to rumors circulating on the internet, the recent revelation that Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's unmarried 17-year-old daughter Bristol Palin is pregnant is just a clever ploy hiding the truth about Alaskan Governor Palin's own pregnancy.
View more »
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
How Republicans Really Feel about Sarah Palin
Oops... the mic was still on, catching a rare occurrence: Republicans telling the truth.
Bad language alert.
No wonder they think she's goofy.
Don't forget to pray for those pipelines!
Bad language alert.
No wonder they think she's goofy.
Don't forget to pray for those pipelines!
Monday, September 01, 2008
Local couple gets hitched at funeral home
Currently on Yahoo's most popular Odd News...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/odd_funeral_home_wedding;_ylt=AgPdlf6zsouJRdPlXrzlLNIjr7sF
Cool to see the Herald Republican getting some press...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/odd_funeral_home_wedding;_ylt=AgPdlf6zsouJRdPlXrzlLNIjr7sF
Cool to see the Herald Republican getting some press...
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Water Tower Cited for Blight
Tough Trash Cop Strikes Again
What does the Broken Springs Water Tower have in common with hundreds of Broken Springs citizens? It’s been cited for blight by Trash Cop Daniel Shame.
The recent “facelift” the water tower is getting includes a new paint job, requiring workers to temporarily cover it with a long light brown tarp that, unbeknownst at the time the job was scheduled, violates the local litter and debris ordinance. The ordinance makes illegal unsightly objects visible from the street and/or neighboring properties. Since the current state of the water tower is unquestionable unsightly, its violation of the ordinance is in no question. But many are questioning the fairness of the citation since the tower’s tarp is necessary until the renovation is complete.
The citation of the water tower isn’t much unlike the citation of Harold Mishap’s automobile repair shop, cited last year by Daniel Shame for having inoperable cars.
According to protocol, the property owners, in this case the village itself, have ten days to make the necessary changes to be compliant with regulations but since the job is scheduled to take two weeks, it’s doubtful that the village of Broken Springs will abide by their own ordinance. It’s also doubtful that they’ll levy a fine of $100 against themselves as the do against other violators.
Residential opinion varies on the matter. Some believe the ordinance should be followed by everyone, not just those Daniel Shame doesn’t like. Resident Mandy Wurtz, who was recently cited for grass growing in between the pebbles of her driveway, believes the water town citation is fitting. At least that‘s what we assume she thinks since she couldn't stop laughing when we told her.
Others agree.
“It looks like a giant condom,” says fair goer Dolly Adamson. “In fact, when I asked directions to the supermarket earlier this week, I was told to turn left at the giant condom.” She was quick to add, “Not that there’s anything wrong with condoms. It’s just that I wouldn’t like my drinking water to come out of one.”
Trash Cop Shame doesn’t regret citing the Village over the water tower. He told NFBS that no one is exempt from his long arm of the law, including the Village itself if it violates the ordinance. We can attest to Shame’s seriousness with which he performs his dangerous job of keeping the streets of Broken Springs free from litter and debris. He’s even threatened to cite this website for its unsightly color scheme.
Whether or not the Water Tower citation will result in a fine is anyone’s guess. If a fine is issued, there’s a reasonable chance Village residents will see a rise in their next tax statement. After all, nothing’s free anymore. Least of all water.
What does the Broken Springs Water Tower have in common with hundreds of Broken Springs citizens? It’s been cited for blight by Trash Cop Daniel Shame.
The recent “facelift” the water tower is getting includes a new paint job, requiring workers to temporarily cover it with a long light brown tarp that, unbeknownst at the time the job was scheduled, violates the local litter and debris ordinance. The ordinance makes illegal unsightly objects visible from the street and/or neighboring properties. Since the current state of the water tower is unquestionable unsightly, its violation of the ordinance is in no question. But many are questioning the fairness of the citation since the tower’s tarp is necessary until the renovation is complete.
The citation of the water tower isn’t much unlike the citation of Harold Mishap’s automobile repair shop, cited last year by Daniel Shame for having inoperable cars.
According to protocol, the property owners, in this case the village itself, have ten days to make the necessary changes to be compliant with regulations but since the job is scheduled to take two weeks, it’s doubtful that the village of Broken Springs will abide by their own ordinance. It’s also doubtful that they’ll levy a fine of $100 against themselves as the do against other violators.
Residential opinion varies on the matter. Some believe the ordinance should be followed by everyone, not just those Daniel Shame doesn’t like. Resident Mandy Wurtz, who was recently cited for grass growing in between the pebbles of her driveway, believes the water town citation is fitting. At least that‘s what we assume she thinks since she couldn't stop laughing when we told her.
Others agree.
“It looks like a giant condom,” says fair goer Dolly Adamson. “In fact, when I asked directions to the supermarket earlier this week, I was told to turn left at the giant condom.” She was quick to add, “Not that there’s anything wrong with condoms. It’s just that I wouldn’t like my drinking water to come out of one.”
Trash Cop Shame doesn’t regret citing the Village over the water tower. He told NFBS that no one is exempt from his long arm of the law, including the Village itself if it violates the ordinance. We can attest to Shame’s seriousness with which he performs his dangerous job of keeping the streets of Broken Springs free from litter and debris. He’s even threatened to cite this website for its unsightly color scheme.
Whether or not the Water Tower citation will result in a fine is anyone’s guess. If a fine is issued, there’s a reasonable chance Village residents will see a rise in their next tax statement. After all, nothing’s free anymore. Least of all water.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Potent and Impotent
Regular readers may have noticed a lack of content in the last several months. No, we haven’t been shut down by local law enforcement. Nor have we been paid an enormous amount of hush money to pipe down about the local goings on, though we’re always open to any offers.
No, we’ve not been writing about the goings on in Broken Springs simply because there hasn’t been anything going on. News has stopped dead in its tracks since Jim Kingston took early retirement. And our editor has completely thrown herself into the world of billiards.
Sure, there is that pesky primary election coming up and our friend and co-hort Troublemaker Boob is running for chairwomanship of Onoyoko Township against incumbent Ernie “Fencepost” Hildecrust. But so far both sides have run a clean campaign. And by clean I mean breathtakingly boring. Shucks.
Well it should be no surprise that here at News from Broken Springs we officially endorse Troublemaker Boob Bruce. Certainly not because he’s a true fiscal conservative, a crisis preventer instead of his crisis manager rival Ernie Hildecrust. Not because Bruce is a Republican in a sea of Broken County Republicans where you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a Republican or a Hildecrust and sometimes even both at the same time. Not even because he’s a younger, more energized babe magnet of a candidate than the decrepit grandfatherly Hildecrust whose idea of sex appeal is a baggy Michigan State Spartan sweatshirt. No, NFBS officially endorses Bruce because he’s got bigger cahones than Hildecrust. And by that I mean balls. Balls he’s proven on more than one occasion to be bigger than Broken Springs itself.
Consider proof of cahones:
Remember when Troublemaker Boob was threatened with lawsuit and told to shut down his blog by the law firm Wee Screwem & How, which was hired by the three Broken Springs officials who are no longer Broken Springs officials? Did Boob cave in to their unconstitutional demands or did he furiously defend his freedom of speech? If Boob’s rival Hildecrust had been presented with such a threat, his balls would still be hanging on the fencepost and the first amendment to the US Constitution would‘ve been violated like a nun in prison. But Troublemaker Boob fought for his freedom, and he’ll fight for yours too.
Vote August 5th for Troublemaker Boob Bruce for Onoyoko Township Supervisor. Clearly he‘s more endowed for the job.
No, we’ve not been writing about the goings on in Broken Springs simply because there hasn’t been anything going on. News has stopped dead in its tracks since Jim Kingston took early retirement. And our editor has completely thrown herself into the world of billiards.
Sure, there is that pesky primary election coming up and our friend and co-hort Troublemaker Boob is running for chairwomanship of Onoyoko Township against incumbent Ernie “Fencepost” Hildecrust. But so far both sides have run a clean campaign. And by clean I mean breathtakingly boring. Shucks.
Well it should be no surprise that here at News from Broken Springs we officially endorse Troublemaker Boob Bruce. Certainly not because he’s a true fiscal conservative, a crisis preventer instead of his crisis manager rival Ernie Hildecrust. Not because Bruce is a Republican in a sea of Broken County Republicans where you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a Republican or a Hildecrust and sometimes even both at the same time. Not even because he’s a younger, more energized babe magnet of a candidate than the decrepit grandfatherly Hildecrust whose idea of sex appeal is a baggy Michigan State Spartan sweatshirt. No, NFBS officially endorses Bruce because he’s got bigger cahones than Hildecrust. And by that I mean balls. Balls he’s proven on more than one occasion to be bigger than Broken Springs itself.
Consider proof of cahones:
Remember when Troublemaker Boob was threatened with lawsuit and told to shut down his blog by the law firm Wee Screwem & How, which was hired by the three Broken Springs officials who are no longer Broken Springs officials? Did Boob cave in to their unconstitutional demands or did he furiously defend his freedom of speech? If Boob’s rival Hildecrust had been presented with such a threat, his balls would still be hanging on the fencepost and the first amendment to the US Constitution would‘ve been violated like a nun in prison. But Troublemaker Boob fought for his freedom, and he’ll fight for yours too.
Vote August 5th for Troublemaker Boob Bruce for Onoyoko Township Supervisor. Clearly he‘s more endowed for the job.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
A tribute to George Carlin
He was one of my comedic heroes, mainly because he never pulled any punches. He was even arrested for obscenity once, and I was only almost arrested for obscenity.
WARNING TO POSSIBLE IGNORANT BSers... video clip contains DIRTY WORDS.
WARNING TO POSSIBLE IGNORANT BSers... video clip contains DIRTY WORDS.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Friday, May 09, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
‘Whispers’ to a screen
Local suspense film to debut at Wonderland.
From the South Bend Tribune:
Kurt Struss knew he needed to improve the look of “First Night Out,” his initial foray into filmmaking. That’s why he attended that 2005 Mid-America Filmmakers meeting where he met Thomas Zuber.
“We knew our views kind of clicked,” Struss says by telephone from his home in Buchanan.
So Struss recruited Zuber to help improve his film, and a partnership was born. The duo formed Struber Productions and began reading each other’s scripts. That’s when Zuber showed Struss “Whispers.”
“It was a good, clear-driven ghost story,” Struss says.
On Thursday, “Whispers,” which was filmed in Buchanan and LaPorte last year, will have its theatrical premiere at Wonderland Cinema in Niles.
Read the rest...
Whispers Trailer:
Whispers
From the South Bend Tribune:
Kurt Struss knew he needed to improve the look of “First Night Out,” his initial foray into filmmaking. That’s why he attended that 2005 Mid-America Filmmakers meeting where he met Thomas Zuber.
“We knew our views kind of clicked,” Struss says by telephone from his home in Buchanan.
So Struss recruited Zuber to help improve his film, and a partnership was born. The duo formed Struber Productions and began reading each other’s scripts. That’s when Zuber showed Struss “Whispers.”
“It was a good, clear-driven ghost story,” Struss says.
On Thursday, “Whispers,” which was filmed in Buchanan and LaPorte last year, will have its theatrical premiere at Wonderland Cinema in Niles.
Read the rest...
Whispers Trailer:
Whispers
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
New Study Shows Small Men Prefer Big Trucks
A new study conducted by the National Research Panel has concluded that men who drive large trucks, SUVs, and automobiles have smaller genitalia than men who drive small to medium sized vehicles. The study, conducted on 350 males nationwide, lasted for three months. For the purpose of the study, the national average genitalia scaled in at 5 1/2 inches. Those men who measured less than the 5 1/2 inch mark were twice as likely to drive a Hummer, and five times as likely to drive a four wheel drive truck or oversized car while those men measuring 5 1/2 inches or above tended to prefer small to mid-sized vehicles, including hybrids and rice burners.The study has caused quite a stir among frat clubs, stag bars, congress, and every other male dominated boys club in our current society.
To read the rest click:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/688493/new_study_shows_small_men_prefer_big.html
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Great Brandi Carlile
I have a pool teammate who's the spitting image of Brandi Carlile, with the same personality full of spunk.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Broken Springs Water Tower
The BS Village Council is considering a new paintjob for our water tower. Might I suggest the following color scheme?
Friday, March 14, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
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