Monday, April 10, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

It was a full house at April's Police Commission Meeting. Jacks over Aces, but out of fear of a defamation accusation, I won't say who were the jacks and who were the aces.

Meeting was called to order at precisely seven o'clock sharp. And speaking of sharp, Attorney Amnesia is dressed to the nines as usual, which is more than I can say for the rest of the commission. It's a relief that Joan Rivers never comes to Broken Springs.

The meeting minutes are accepted, as are the bills, including a hefty chuck of dosh to replace a keypad at the station. Keypads, like sanitary pads, are notorious for needing continual replacement, according to Lighter Curly Headed Sandy. Perhaps we might look into a key tampon system? Chief Kingston said he'd probe deeper into the issue, and see if he couldn't "pull a few strings."

Mr. Gordo Davis walks in fashionably late. Well, perhaps I should rephrase that. He walks in late wearing a NBA pullover.

The commissioners agree to pay the bills (just once I'm waiting for them to vote down paying the bills... what would happen? At this pace, we'll never know) and then the financial report is accepted.

In this months package... er, I mean packet there's both February's and March's police activity sheets, which means the Chief has a bulging package... er, I mean packet. His officers, he assures us, were kept busy both months, not including the many hours they guarded Subweigh from robbers.

In old business, Chairman Hildecrust brings up the lingering issue of the millage, which, if you'll recall, no one wanted to talk about last month. Mayor Jan Chaddwick freely admitted that we can't run a department on three mills, so she recommends asking for four mills, and Bob Frugal agrees. But Hildecrust is a bit leery, insisting that we already have the highest millage in the county. Then the commissioners discuss the meanings of the word "new," which last I checked, means the opposite of old. A audience member, presumably township coucilwoman Suzette Reynolds, explained that the word new is necessary in the wording of the millage, even if the amount of mills will stay the same. However, it will cost the taxpayers more money if it passes. Chaddwick motions to ask for four mills, and Bob Frugal supports. Motion is carried, but must now be approved by the Township board tomorrow night.

In a continuation of the Chief's report, Officer Tweed (whose retro tweed uniform is all the rage at the station) recovered a stolen laptop computer. It was recovered from on top of the thief's... wait for it... lap.

Diane McDonald showed her continued loyalty to the village of Broken Springs by filling in for the absent crossing guards. Again, I need to emphasize that it takes guts to walk into the middle of traffic in Broken Springs armed only with an often ignored stop sign. Three cheers for Diane!

Officers Kingsley and Tweed will also be attending a street survival school in the future. Undoubtedly this will train them to properly deal with the hundreds of armed gangs we have terrorizing our roads... er, I mean streets.

There's also a criminal investigation school that Officer Scroggins will attend. Tip to Officer Scroggins... keep your hands on your wallet at all times. Pickpockets love those cop conventions.

There's also department fire arms training, but only for those officers with long arms, Officers Polaski and Burk. And of course, we'd be silly not to have an armed officer patroling the scene of Anthony's University during the Passion Play, There's nothing like religion to bring out the evil dregs of society, as we all know.

Chaddwick, Kingston, and Amnesia (to the surprise of the latter) are also nearly done putting together a policies and procedure booklet. The first two, at least, worked long and hard at it, and all that's left is another two hours worth of hole punching, according to the Mayor. Good job, public servants!

The meeting is then adjourned, sixteen minutes after everyone sat down. World's second shortest meeting, at least since I've been attending. Hardly worth putting on new panties for.

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