Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Chippendales Blow into Town

Saturday night the World Famous Chippendales blew into Broken Springs, electrifying a standing room only crowd of 38 women and 7 untrusting husbands in the Conference Hall of the Methodical Church. The show was the first of its kind ever to come to Broken Springs, and quite possibly the last, due to mass protests by several prominent tighty righties and those who serve on the local town council.

The Chippendales – Steve, Chris, Mike, Jordan, Jerry, and emcee Dan – stripped nearly down to their g-strings to an assortment of pop remixes and Tom Jones’s “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” in which they defiantly took their hats off. They also danced numbers themed around cowboys, Grease (the musical starring John Travolta, not actual residue on your garage floor), the Navy, and the ever sexy fireman. In between their dance routines, the well lubed men offered the crowd personal lap dances at just ten dollars for thirty to forty seconds of full body gyrating contact which is often, according to emcee Dan, mistaken for heavenly bliss. The hot seats sold like hot cakes.

Unfortunately not everyone was wet with anticipation for these buff men in their skimpy underwear, particularly Broken Springers who haven’t seen a semi-naked body since two years ago during the Superbowl Halftime Show. It was these non subscribers to cable, along with some jealous husbands who almost put a stop to the show altogether. They’d all heard that the Chippendales came to the neighboring town of Niles last year and the town needed three whole days to recuperate. Nurses didn’t come into work, secretaries had hangovers, and several of the town’s florists (except for Sissy Samuel) showed up late the next day. Despite their good moods when they eventually returned to work, their tardiness cost the city of Niles an estimated $2,508 (and 47 cents) in revenue. These figures were reported at the last Broken Springs Council meeting by the newly formed organization, Public Residents against Ungodly Devilish Erotic Shows, or PRUDES for short. Council members largely agreed that the Chippendale show was not the ideal entertainment for the college town of Broken Springs, particularly the same week that the Passion Play opens on the campus of Anthony’s University. By a 5-4 vote they decided that the show must go on, but only under a set of strict restrictions that included rules on what they could and could not take off.

“I understand the PRUDES concerns, but the show has the potential to be a great tourist attraction for Broken Springs. I believe our money issues outweigh our moral issues,” explained Mayor Jan Chaddwick, who voted against the ban. “Also, my daughter bought me a ticket for Mother’s Day. I wouldn’t miss a bunch of almost naked sweating muscular men for the world!”

Stan Chaddwick, the Mayor’s husband and usually her political bed fellow, voted against his wife for the first time in Broken Springs history. “If the women of Broken Springs want to stuff dollar bills down guys pants, they should do it while doing their husband’s laundry,” he said. He angrily walked away after Jan gave him a look that seemed to suggest he wouldn’t be getting near her pants any time soon. Not even if he did the laundry.

Despite a last ditch effort to protest the show with signs, PRUDES only succeeded in advertising the site of the show’s location. Several PRUDE members let curiosity get the best of them and were later seen standing on pews wearing only their Cross Your Heart bras and crucifixes.

After the show, the Chippendales signed autographs and had photographs taken with the crowd. Tourism was up during their visit, but many employers are now crossing their fingers and hoping that all their female employees show up for work in the oncoming days.

Mayor Chaddwick could not be reached for comment, probably still in bed recuperating.

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