Saturday, April 01, 2006

Calling it Quits

At this month’s staff meeting, writers, designers, artists, and editors met to discuss the future of News from Broken Springs, the satirical online blog that has, for the past ten months, lampooned life in a small Midwestern town. After two hours of heated argument, timid laughter, and an endless supply of tears, it was announced by NFBS’s press secretary, Scott McMicrophone that the end has come.

“Jennifer Gonads, also known as Shallow Throat, regrets to inform the public that due to unforeseen circumstances, she’s shutting down her popular online blog, effective immediately,” announced McMic, amidst the flashing of cameras. When asked if those unforeseen circumstances related to the C&D letter recently received by the blog, the press secretary only shrugged and said, “It’s unfortunate that local police and politicians lack a sense of humor. But I guess when you carry a gun, you don’t need a sense of humor.”

In the hallway, profanity could be heard with the arrival of NFBS’s newest correspondent, Chocolate Thunda, who had not taken the news well, by the sound of it. He grabbed the microphone away from the press secretary and proclaimed, “Not me, I’m not quitting! You can have my mouse when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!” He had to be restrained soon after that, and hit with the tranq gun normally reserved for the Cougar just so he’d calm down.

Shallow Throat, dressed completely in black, with her head hung low, made the following brief statement to the press: “Producing News from Broken Springs isn’t fun if everyone isn’t laughing. I don’t think they’ll be laughing any time soon, so that means none of us should laugh either. In fact, no one should ever laugh again. If that’s what Broken Springs wants, then that’s what it should get.”

“But what about the freedom of speech?” yelled a reporter from the back of the room.

“Oh, stuff the freedom of speech. All it does is offend people anyway. Who needs it?” answered the former editor.

A small man in a suit piped up. “What about the legacy of satire as a form of social commentary, dating all the way back to Aristophanes of the 5th Century BC?”

“Aristophanes was nothing more than a troublemaker whose time would’ve been better spent buggering young men.”

“What about Swift, Twain, Peter Cook?” asked another.

“Inexcusable agitators, a sorry lot,” spat the former satirist. “The same holds true for the cast of Saturday Night Live, the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Reno 911, and the Colbert Report. Sorry excuses for television nowadays. Give me back Lawrence Welk any day.”

Throat kept a straight face as she answered the skeptical crowd. Before she left, she reiterated, “News from Broken Springs is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! It’s pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now history! It’s off the twig! It’s kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile! This is an ex-blog!!”

The infamous ex-editor then scurried out the door and into a black helicopter. At that point there was nothing left to report.

This is NFBS, signing off…

April Fools!

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