Friday, November 10, 2006

Local Man Cleared by Police Chief

A local man accused of sexually molesting his toddler daughter was recently cleared by the local police after being thrown to the wolves on last week’s nationally syndicated Dr. Bill talk show. Jeremiah Narc was given full custody of not only his daughter, but his ex-girlfriend’s twelve other children in a ruling made by Judge Babs Ragginmore. The ruling came as a complete shock to the mother, her family and friends, and nearly 300 million other people nationwide. But one person who was not surprised was Broken Springs Police Chief Jim Kingston.

On last week's show, Dr. Bill assured Jeremiah that the polygraph test could be done in his hometown and thus be completely fair. And if there's any one name synonymous with fair, it's Jim Kingston.

“There are two sides to every story. I’m just happy I could assist in administering justice,” Kingston said before a crowded press conference held in front of the Village Hall. “Mr. Narc is a nice young man unfairly accused. I’m only relieved I helped clear his good name before Oprah got ahold of him.”

Jeremiah’s story was broadcast nation-wide last week after his daughter’s troublemaker grandmother sent the Dr. Bill show tapes of the girl saying he touched her “PP.” Narc, all along, claimed his innocence, insisting that the only PP he ever touched was his daughter’s Pink Panther stuffed toy. Furthermore he insists that Pink Panther enjoyed every minute of it.

“I don’t like to brag but,” said Jeremiah standing alongside Kingston, “I have quite a reputation with the ladies.”

“Ahem,” interrupted the protective Police Chief before Jeremiah could continue, “Mr. Narc was cleared of all possible wrongdoing when he passed a polygraph test administered by myself and other unbiased women haters in our department.”

When pressed by spectators and local media about the nature of the polygraph test, Kingston displayed photographs of Jeremiah and the machinery used to determine his innocence.

“But that looks like nothing more than a Bionic Ear,” yelled out Channel 22 News.

“And why does the suspect have a colander on his head?” inquired WNDU.

Kingston was adamant that the instrumentation used was all state of the art, modern technology. “We’re on the cutting edge of science here, folks. This ain’t no Mayberry. The headphones are used to pick up on the person’s heartbeat. The cylindrical disc is used to amplify those heart palpitations that occur when a person is lying. The binoculars are used to pinpoint any suspicious sweating. The cranial device is used to notice electrode activity in a person’s brain waves. In Jeremiah’s case, we couldn’t pick up any brain waves, let alone suspicious electrode activity. This machinery is about as up to snuff as you can get for our minimal police budget.”

“How can you be sure?” inquired a man in the back who was quickly beaten to the floor with his own cane.

Chief Kingston answered, “I’m absolutely positive because I had it tested on me first.”

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