Thursday, November 16, 2006

Shocking Break Up! Township Dumps Village

Forget Britney and K-Fed… this is the real matrimonial meltdown

After thirty five years of serious courting, the Broken Springs Village Council and the Onoyoko Township Board have decided to sever all ties. The divorce was finalized at Tuesday night’s Township Board meeting, but the rocky relationship fell into the sewer many years ago.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” says Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust. “But I was getting tired the constant nagging and all of the arguments. Sure, the makeup sex was nice, but a healthy relationship needs love and respect as its foundation, not a box of Trojan XLs and a bottle of Viagra,” added the feisty old coot.

Sources close to the couple insist finances also played a factor in the split.

“Every relationship is a learning experience,” commented Township representative Bob Frugal. “This one taught me that the key to compatibility is separate bank accounts.”

Among the many disagreements between the two municipalities, the biggest was the amount of allowance to give the Commission’s often controversial and rebellious offspring, the Broken Springs Police Department. With the breakup, the Township will likely retain custody of the Department, but insiders say that ugly legal custody battles are expected.

“The Village Council believes money grows on trees, and I’m here to tell you if it did, I’d own a nursery,” said trustee Dorothy Hildecrust (no relation). “The Village never had to be the primary breadwinners of this family. Every time we turned around, they wanted more money for something else. Tasers, new cars, elevator shoes, Kevlar vests, even a new family drug dog. We always footed the bill. They (the Village Council) don’t know how to tighten their belt because they’ve never even had to wear a belt. We’ve been spoiling them with bigger pants and elastic waistbands.”

The final nail in the coffin for the three decade old union came last week when the Township tried to reschedule a date with the Village. The Village thought they were being stood up and got a little loose lipped after a few too many Coronas at Coyote’s Watering Hole Friday night. By the next morning, the local media ran the slanderous gossip as front page news. As the Township sipped its morning coffee and read the newspaper, it decided to end it once and for all.

The drastic news came as a shock to followers who thought the Township and Village would be together forever. The coupling was blissful in its early stages, even culminating at one point to mutual heart shaped tattoos. Passersby can still see the etching in the tree bark at Weather Park behind the Township Hall: OT Heart VC. But nothing is forever, and they couldn’t pass the test of time. But thirty five years together is still nothing to shake a stick at, insists those who believe that fate will bring them back together.

After the announcement Tuesday night, the Village’s Bestest Friend Forever, Gordo Davis begged and pleaded for the Board to give the Council one last chance to make things right. But the Township would hear none of it.

As of this publication, the rumor that the Township is wooing the Sheriff’s Department for its next long term commitment is unconfirmed.

3 comments:

Linda M. said...

You're such a good story-teller, I don't know if I should drive 400 miles for a newspaper or not!?

But, it is the right 'time of the month' ...

Help!

Shallow Throat said...

It seems to be Mayor Jan's time of the month too. I think she and Ernie should mud wrestle for total control... mud wrestle, yeah, that's it. In the nude! That'd keep things interesting.

On second thought, nevermind.

Linda M. said...

I predicted this over a year ago on my blog written 9-30-05, paragraph 8. Someone happened to find my blogsite from New York a couple days ago and went to this story or I may have forgotten all about it. I think you can select specific dates on the lefthand side of my blog. (Click Linda M at the top of this message for my blogsite and click the date from there.)