Police Committee Meeting

Since there is no longer a Police Commission, meetings are now informally held at ten in the morning on the second Monday of each month. Why they chose this time is beyond me, but I’m cool with it because it doesn’t interfere with my pool league. As a result of the split, the women of the former Commission are no longer allowed to sit at the front table, although they‘re still unfortunately allowed in the door. Curly Headed Sandy’s spot at the front table was taken by the new Police Committee Attorney, Bob Grandluff, who doesn’t dress nearly as stylishly as former Commission Attorney, Charlie Amnesia. But to his credit, he also didn’t show up late. In Jan Chaddwick’s chair there remained only the imprint of her butt cheeks from the last meeting. That sight alone was worth getting up early for.

There are new rules, as well. The new Committee isn’t allowed to vote. Their job is merely to recommend proposals to the Township Board based on informal discussions. With this in mind, they recommend that the Township Board accept the financial statement and Chief’s Report.

They look over the budget and someone asks why our tire expense is so high. We buy tires 16-20 at a time, particular during the winter, insists Chief Kingston. We go through more rubber than Bill Clinton in a whorehouse. Our tire budget is second only to the Daytona 500.

We’ve had transmission problems in cars 4 and 5, which means that they can’t communicate with their crew chief or the pit crew.

Criminal activity is up on the barren streets of Broken Springs. Holiday season is among us. And what better way to spell out the Christmas spirit than with rampant crime?

As requested, Chief Kingston has gotten the price for two new cars. The good thing about new cars is they come with four brand spanking new tires. But the bad thing about new cars is they cost between 18,000 and 18,800. That’s about forty five hundred a tire, if I can trust my Broken Springs math. Tack on mirrors and police equipment (not to mention an awesome stereo), 19,500. Safety of the officer is at stake, since the car is their main tool, at least according to the head officer.

There are 145,000 miles on car #5. No wonder Kyle Busch cannot win a race. Bob Frugal asks if that’s the time a car needs replacing. The Chief says 80-90,000 is the ideal time to replace a car. He says you can get an old car refurbished so it’s like new for 13 grand, but that makes no sense when you can buy a new one for 18.

In other words, saving five thousand dollars makes no sense to Kingston. He obviously went to Broken Springs Schools too.

In the past a squad car was replaced each and every year but they stopped that because they were worried that the millage wouldn’t pass.

Ernie Hildecrust says they should wait and see. They table the proposal to buy two new cars. Not to be outdone, Jim Kingston then asks for one car.

The Committee says it must first wait to see how messy the divorce from the Village is.

We can afford, however, a new computer for Diane McDonald with which she can read the current issue of News from Broken Springs. Cost: $800.

There’ve been several instances of paintball damage around town, and police have a possible suspect in mind who drives a Grand Prix. You hear that, Paintball Thug? Time to switch cars. I don’t recommend Chevy Impalas, as they tend to have transmission and brake problems.

There was a close call on a front porch where a paintball came 12 inches from an elderly lady’s head. That explains her blue hair.

Officers have been extremely busy with drug busts as well. Heroin and Crack have been on the rise. Kingston even tells us where the loot is: in the Meadow Lane, Dogwood area.

There have also been lots of frauds, illegal lotteries, and scams. But enough about Christmas Care Bear…

Phil Ruse asks why our cops are going to other townships without compensation. For instance, we went fourteen times to St. Joe. I couldn’t hear all of this conversation over Curly Headed Sandy’s grumbling from the crowd but I did catch Kingston say that we’re not necessarily going there looking for crime, just coming across crime in those areas. It’s just a matter of being in the wrong place at the right time, which happens to us all the time.

Bonii Didjaseedat asks from the crowd whether or not any officer was involved in transporting Jeremiah Narc to his second polygraph test. Kingston reworded her question before answering, in the negative. When pressed on whether or not he’d transported Narc, he said yes, but only because he was on duty at the time, and only because he and the Prosecuting Attorney intimately discussed the matter and decided that it’d be in the entire family’s best interest for the alleged child molester to take another - preferably easier - polygraph examination. This was in an effort to leave no stone unturned in their investigation, which is now closed, by the way.

Bonii also insists that she’s seen and videotaped police cars at a bakery out of their jurisdiction. Kingston insists that his officers can’t stave off their constant craving for jelly filled doughnuts and must occasionally stop for their own safety. Curly Headed Sandy, from her comfy seat in the audience, lets the committee know that she doesn’t have a problem with our officers wasting taxpayer time and money to binge on Krispy Kremes and hot dogs.

Meeting adjourned.
Good thing too because I really wanted to go back to bed.