Thursday, March 29, 2007

Mayor Resigns !!

Jan Chaddwick, the first elected President of the Village of Broken Springs with a vagina, has turned in her resignation (but not her vagina) to the Council, effective April 1st, no foolin’.

President Pro Tem Bob Pezdispenser, who currently lacks a vagina, will take over the role of President until the Council can appoint a new Vagina in Chief to serve until the September election.

Asked whether he’ll be able to run the Village despite the fact that he’s not a woman, he responded, “Well, I won’t pursue a lawsuit every 28 days and I’ll probably be tearing out the pink carpet in the Village Hall. But other than that, things will stay pretty much the same.”

Ms. Chaddwick has been on the Village Council for eight long years. She seceded Mayorship from the Village’s first non-elected female Mayor, Marian Kiljoy. At the time of Kiljoy’s climb to power, many underestimated the power a mere woman could have in a town that had been run by men for over a century. But Kiljoy set the foundation for a strong Mayorship, which Chaddwick expanded more than many thought was humanly possible. In retrospect, Kiljoy wasn’t half the despot Chaddwick grew to be.

Not that she wasn’t fully grown when she took office…

Among her many achievements, Ms. Chaddwick will forever be known for:

  • Suing the Township for half a million dollars because they had the gall to bend to the will of their constituents during the Sewer Project Scandal. Proving once again that crap flows downhill, the Township got it in the end. Township taxpayers were flushed out of hundreds of thousands of dollars all in the name of Operation Tidy Bowl, the Chaddwickian pursuit of universal toilets, no matter what the cost or who leaves the lid up.
  • With the help of the aforementioned lawsuit settlement, Chaddwick helped balance the budget for the Village for the first time since Broken Springs was the county seat. In fact, with a half a mill in the bank, the Village’s budget will be balanced for the next 26 years, respectfully.
  • Installing two vending machines in the Village Hall lobby, and furthermore, insisting that they always have a full supply of Hostess cupcakes, Twinkees, and Krispy Kremes.
  • The about-to-be-commenced Street Scrape Project, which will tear up our roads in the pursuit of beautification of our fair city. Long term goals of the project include remodeling Broken Springs to look like a Norman Rockwell painting so that people will no longer throw their gum in the streets or shoot at local businesses with paintball guns.
  • And last but certainly not least, Chaddwick lent her name to the infamous Cease and Desist letter News from Broken Springs received last year, attempting to censor a legitimate new source such as ourselves. Voltaire’s quote comes to mind: It is the characteristic of the most stringent censorships, that they give credibility to the opinions they attack.
When asked if she would miss governing the Village, Ms. Chaddwick said she'd miss the power but not the criticism. "The people of Broken Springs won't have Jan Chaddwick to kick around anymore," she said.

But that's an exaggeration. It's more like her larger than life frame's been slightly budged around by foot.

Ms. Chaddwick ended her interview with NFBS with the following reflection from St. Peter:

“It is God's will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you're a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government.”

“Especially that last part,” she said, to which we here at NFBS responded with an Albert Camus quote of our own:

"Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear."

1 comment:

Linda M. said...

Open the gates! I'm com'in back!