Police Committee Meeting
On this 12th day of March in the 2007th year, we gather to have a police committee meeting in the small township of Onoyoko, in the medium sized state of Michigan. But what if you threw a meeting and no one showed up?
Well, lots of people showed up for this meeting, minus the one person upon whose very existence was necessary to hold the meeting. But he wasn’t there. I can’t complain much, really. I missed the last meeting because of a date I had with several dead Popes, not to mention the time I spent with the deceased poets Keats and Shelly.
But then again, the Committee isn’t relying on me to give a report each month about how our officers are “busier than usual.”
Before the meeting started, and before I realized that you know who wasn’t there, I felt the presence of two cops behind me. I mean, directly behind me. Probably sticking kick me signs on my back. Officer Allgay, recognizable by his cue ball head (that’s not a dig… I love cue balls) was heard taking a call from the Sheriff, whom he told he’d call back later. But the real question is what will he call him? Sir? Your Highness? Sugarbuns?
Just a guess but I think he’d like that last one.
Just then Officer Allgay pokes me in the back with his pen (at least I hope it was his pen) to make sure I made proper notes of his attire for the meeting. Apparently he mistook the Township Hall for the Kodak Theatre, the cheap white tile for the Red Carpet, and me for Joan Rivers. And I’m just crazy enough to indulge him.
Mr. Allgay, I’m begrudged to admit, was dressed to the nines, but only because he isn’t tall enough to reach the tens. His stylish dark colored khakis contrasted the bright glow of his head in such a way that one couldn’t help but to look at him. All in good fun, Mort. Or should I say… Chief Mort?
Threatening to interrupt my note taking fun, Chairperson Hildecrust calls the meeting to order, but not until after he expresses how the absence of you know who boggles his mind, seeing as how all the important things are happening.
I sympathize with poor Ernie. Having a police committee meeting without a police chief is like putting on shoes without shoelaces. Unless you have Velcro shoes, which we don’t. Or sandels, which are practical in the spring and summer assuming you’ve remembered to clip your toenails and shaved the long black hair off your big toe.
As the minutes pass, and the Chief’s Report isn’t read because there isn’t a Chief there to report it, another cop walks in and sits down behind me, making me feel a bit like a whore in church.
The committee begins talking about buying another car, this one for a grand cheaper, from somewhere else.
Then there is some talk about the union contract negotiations and Ernie gets roped into representing the committee.
Sue Frettin brings up a way to possibly resolve one of three complaints recently filed by citizens against the Township concerning the Chief’s behavior. Resident Bonii Didjaseedat requested the phone logs from Chief Kingston on a day when she suspected he was in contact with a certain someone he shouldn’t have been in contact with. But when she received her FOIA requested log, the entire document was blacker than Benton Harlem at midnight during a power outage. A copy of this log was passed back and forth to committee members and it rather resembled a Rorschach inkblot test. Looks like a guilty conscience to me. The attorney (who looks to have lost some weight) says that Jimmy told him he’d blacked out the numbers from personal calls in the log. Sue Frettin, hoping to resolve this conflict, offers to be the middle woman and look for whatever number Bonii suspects may be on the list. Bonii agrees and hopefully Sue will be able to pry the original, unredacted copy from the grips of Kingston in the future. In the meantime, Bonii asks to see the receipts where Kingston is reimbursing the Township for the personal calls made on his work cell phone. Sue doubts the existence of such receipts and Committee member Bob Frugal quips that there is probably no extra charge depending on what kind of cell phone plan he has.
Ex Commissioner and now ordinary citizen Curly Headed Sandy comments that for a Police Chief who’s on duty 24/7, there are bound to be some personal calls made on his work phone and she doesn’t mind.
No one thought of ringing him up right then to ask why he wasn’t at this all important meeting.
Concerning the other complaints, not much could be said about the incomplete (at best) policy and procedure manual turned over to the Clerk’s office in response to another FOIA request. The Committee had many questions for the Chief, none of which could be answered so long as his seat remained vacant.
Then the bombshell is dropped. Ernie Hildecrust says Jimmy missed most of last week from work and asks everyone’s opinion on whether it’d be prudent to name a substitute Chief. It suddenly dawns on me why the three cops are at this meeting after all. They’re like vultures, about to swoop in on Kingston’s decomposing carcass.
Mort, have I mentioned how handsome you looked tonight?
The attorney advises the committee that it’s not the time to replace Kingston, even if only temporarily. He will make some calls to come to the bottom of things, he says.
As an endnote to the meeting, Bonii asks a question on behalf of Troublemaker Boob about whether or not permission was granted to Officer Keith Mauve February 16th to take his car home to Stevensville overnight. She asks if Hildecrust requested car video footage, as resident Boob asked him to do. Ernie said he had not done so. Sue mentions that the officer may have been needed in court early the next morning, but seeing as how the next morning was a Saturday, well, it was worth a try, Sue. Curly Headed Sandy scoffs at the idea that Bonii is now following Officer Mauve, not to mention Daniel Shame, and Chief Kingston himself. That Bonii sure is a sly one, ain’t she? I wish I could be in three places at one time.
Meeting adjourned at 7:26. Everyone got to bed at a decent hour, thanks to Jim Kingston playing hooky.