Dear Editor,
Why are we determined to teach the children of today that questioning authority is actually tolerable? It seems as if every Josef, Hermann, and Adolf today now believes that questioning anything is not "verboten!"
Personally, I really didn't care exactly in what Kaiserkeller our "boys in black" had their sauerkraut, nor did I care exactly where it was that they were "training" for their "missions."
My Bavarian community was one of the safest: no coloreds, Jews, or other inferiors to kick aside on the way to work at the lampshade factory. Mein Gott, you couldn't even look towards the "camp" outside of town and see any "troublemakers!" Those were the good ol' days...
I challenge you troublemakers and undesirables to stand in the ranks of the "boys in black" for a week...see how difficult it is to continually shoot, torture, maim, and otherwise "police the Reich"...see if YOU don't crack from the strain!
Mein vater served with the Reichswehr for a lonk time... I vas brought up with a different kind of respect for the jackboot than you questioners...I vas taught dat no disrespect for the "boys in black" was allowed...ACHTUNG!!! You people who complain about people like these ought to be happier than Goering at an all-you-can-eat buffet that your streets are free of undesirables!
As for Policenfuhrer Kingston, hey, he isn't Hitler, but who is? Your sector of the Reich should be happier than Goebbels in a cathouse that he is doing such a fine job of policing your area. Those who complain should get a real job in a "camp," a hobby (such as tearing out gold teeth), or someting else to occupy your time. Myself, I'm knitting a shawl for our brave, overworked souls at Treblinka. (Hope this helps!)
Our "boys in black" haf enough to deal with in their duties witout these complainers/undesirables. Quit living in glass houzes (or, at least exercise if you choose to live in them) and trowing stones; someone might lob a morter shell your way!
Again, I vant to trow a "shout out" to my "homies" in black. Oh, I jusht made a "schwartz" joke! I hope that I get a medal from my Gausleiter!!!
Enouf vit the troublemakers! Respect is mandatory! ACHTUNG!!!
Ilsa Chowder
A satirical view of news from small town, America.
DISCLAIMER: Contents are fiction and intended for mature audiences.
"Satirical garbage, atrocious, obscene, and shameful." -local FOJ
"Anything but elegant" - Herald Palladium
"Contains some sophomoric content that many would find offensive" -Herald Palladium
Updated weakly, very weakly
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
Is Daniel Shame Moonlighting?
Proving once again that truth is stranger than fiction...
From today's South Bend Tribune (page E6)
Videotape captured two Hammond police officers having sex while on duty in two separate incidents, and Chief Brian Miller will seek the firings of the officers.
Cpl. Shawn McDaniel and an unidentified officer were captured on police videotape taking part in sexual activity in the police station, Sgt. Michael Joden said Wednesday. McDaniel and other officers also were being investigated for allegations of possession of marijuana, Jorden said.
Miller also decided to ask the Board of Public Works and Safety to fire Cpl. Kirk Andrews after evidence surfaced in an internal investigation that Andrews also had engaged in sexual activity while on duty.
Police also investigated a "lingerie party" involving several officers at McDaniel's home, but could not determine that anything illegal happened at the party. Several on-duty officers showed up at the party believing it was a barbarcue, but left when they discovered the true nature of the gathering, Jorden said.
"What people do on their own time is their own business, as long as it's legal," Jorden said. "We can't police their behavior off duty."
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Other reports of this story (with nastier details):
From today's South Bend Tribune (page E6)
Videotape captured two Hammond police officers having sex while on duty in two separate incidents, and Chief Brian Miller will seek the firings of the officers.
Cpl. Shawn McDaniel and an unidentified officer were captured on police videotape taking part in sexual activity in the police station, Sgt. Michael Joden said Wednesday. McDaniel and other officers also were being investigated for allegations of possession of marijuana, Jorden said.
Miller also decided to ask the Board of Public Works and Safety to fire Cpl. Kirk Andrews after evidence surfaced in an internal investigation that Andrews also had engaged in sexual activity while on duty.
Police also investigated a "lingerie party" involving several officers at McDaniel's home, but could not determine that anything illegal happened at the party. Several on-duty officers showed up at the party believing it was a barbarcue, but left when they discovered the true nature of the gathering, Jorden said.
"What people do on their own time is their own business, as long as it's legal," Jorden said. "We can't police their behavior off duty."
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Other reports of this story (with nastier details):
The Indy Channel
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Potent and Impotent
Random observations, petty opinions, and interesting tidbits about Broken Springs by your favorite small potatoes editor.
Over the weekend, a neighbor of Ron Jeppart installed an outside bathroom with a lifetime supply of toilet paper hanging from their trees. It looks a little strange from afar but who knows, they might be onto something.
Coyote’s Watering Hole recently tore down their decades old sign and replaced it with a sharp looking canopy style awning. Too bad the inside of the place doesn’t look half as good.
NFBS now has had over thirteen hundred visitors in the five short months it’s been online. Many of these visits are from return readers, judging from the reoccurring IPs on the site stat page. Love us or hate us, you still read us. So thank you, regular reader. Keep coming back. Because, as we all know, there’s never a dull moment in Broken Springs.
A big congrats to the Broken Springs football team, who has only lost once so far this year. Unfortunately it was the game that was televised on Channel 46. Here’s hoping all the other BS sports teams (including and especially the girls) get half as much media coverage. Go Green!
We at NFBS don’t really give a flying rat’s arse exactly how long Daniel Shame was playing with his little boy toys out in Broken Township. Though he’s admitted his wrongdoing, and even paid back the BS taxpayer a half hour of his overtime, the police commission seems to chalk it up as just a mistake.
Everyone in Broken Springs is guilty of making mistakes. After all, we all live here.
Making mistakes is an epidemic in this small town community, from retractions in the local brag rag, to the Police Chief himself, who’s made more mistakes than Carter’s had liver pills. It’s practically contagious. Don’t sneeze, Daniel Shame. We don’t want to catch what you have.
Think of the group that likes pointing out mistakes, especially around election time, as a wad of Kleenex, trapping all the snot so that the germs don’t infect others in this relatively ignorant yet innocent community.
Gesundheit.
Over the weekend, a neighbor of Ron Jeppart installed an outside bathroom with a lifetime supply of toilet paper hanging from their trees. It looks a little strange from afar but who knows, they might be onto something.
Coyote’s Watering Hole recently tore down their decades old sign and replaced it with a sharp looking canopy style awning. Too bad the inside of the place doesn’t look half as good.
NFBS now has had over thirteen hundred visitors in the five short months it’s been online. Many of these visits are from return readers, judging from the reoccurring IPs on the site stat page. Love us or hate us, you still read us. So thank you, regular reader. Keep coming back. Because, as we all know, there’s never a dull moment in Broken Springs.
A big congrats to the Broken Springs football team, who has only lost once so far this year. Unfortunately it was the game that was televised on Channel 46. Here’s hoping all the other BS sports teams (including and especially the girls) get half as much media coverage. Go Green!
We at NFBS don’t really give a flying rat’s arse exactly how long Daniel Shame was playing with his little boy toys out in Broken Township. Though he’s admitted his wrongdoing, and even paid back the BS taxpayer a half hour of his overtime, the police commission seems to chalk it up as just a mistake.
Everyone in Broken Springs is guilty of making mistakes. After all, we all live here.
Making mistakes is an epidemic in this small town community, from retractions in the local brag rag, to the Police Chief himself, who’s made more mistakes than Carter’s had liver pills. It’s practically contagious. Don’t sneeze, Daniel Shame. We don’t want to catch what you have.
Think of the group that likes pointing out mistakes, especially around election time, as a wad of Kleenex, trapping all the snot so that the germs don’t infect others in this relatively ignorant yet innocent community.
Gesundheit.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Trustee Proposes Smoke Signal System for Police
The old Indian practice of smoke signals could solve the problem of Broken Springs police leaving their posts, a township trustee said Tuesday night. Dorothy Hildecrust introduced a proposal to teach all present BSOT officers standard smoke signal procedures in order to better keep track of their location.
The proposal follows a controversial hunting incident by Daniel Shame, in which he was caught playing with his bow and arrow while on duty on September 1st. Hildecrust said the cost of the smoke signal program would be virtually nonexistent to the department, as most of them already carry lighters with which to smoke their confiscated weed.
“One advantage would be that we wouldn’t have all this controversy,” she said. “With a simple transmission of smoke signals, we could know where they are and what they are doing at any point during their shift. One puff might mean they’re tailing a pesky sidewalk supervisor. Two puffs might mean they’re disrupting a riot at the college. Three puffs might mean ‘Hurry up Boss, your wife is on her way.‘ And so on.”
Opponents to Hildecrust’s proposal point to the possibility of sending mixed messages.
“What if a squad car overheats?” asked Ernie Hildecrust (no relation).
“That would mean Shame’s been drag racing again,” answered the Trustee.
“Whether the smoke is from the car’s engine, tires, or from constant toking, officials at the station will know where it is and how long it’s been there," she said.
Jim Kingston attended the meeting and expressed disapproval. "I'm a police chief, not an Indian chief."
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to contribute to the already high levels of air pollution in Broken Springs’s skies,” said resident Lonna Jackson, to a steady round of applause. “We need to trust our officers when they lie to us about their recreational activities. If we can’t trust them, who can we trust?”
Indeed.
The proposal follows a controversial hunting incident by Daniel Shame, in which he was caught playing with his bow and arrow while on duty on September 1st. Hildecrust said the cost of the smoke signal program would be virtually nonexistent to the department, as most of them already carry lighters with which to smoke their confiscated weed.
“One advantage would be that we wouldn’t have all this controversy,” she said. “With a simple transmission of smoke signals, we could know where they are and what they are doing at any point during their shift. One puff might mean they’re tailing a pesky sidewalk supervisor. Two puffs might mean they’re disrupting a riot at the college. Three puffs might mean ‘Hurry up Boss, your wife is on her way.‘ And so on.”
Opponents to Hildecrust’s proposal point to the possibility of sending mixed messages.
“What if a squad car overheats?” asked Ernie Hildecrust (no relation).
“That would mean Shame’s been drag racing again,” answered the Trustee.
“Whether the smoke is from the car’s engine, tires, or from constant toking, officials at the station will know where it is and how long it’s been there," she said.
Jim Kingston attended the meeting and expressed disapproval. "I'm a police chief, not an Indian chief."
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to contribute to the already high levels of air pollution in Broken Springs’s skies,” said resident Lonna Jackson, to a steady round of applause. “We need to trust our officers when they lie to us about their recreational activities. If we can’t trust them, who can we trust?”
Indeed.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Police Commission Meeting
Commission Chairman Ernie Hildecrust steals the fashion spotlight with his MSU Dad sweatshirt. Either he has a child attending Michigan State University or Ernie has been busy spreading his seed amongst the female Spartans.
The meeting begins in the normal boring fashion: approving the last meeting minutes, approving the payment of the bills, and going over the financial report.
Mayor Jan Chaddwick questions whether or not we get our money’s use from our Sam’s Club membership, which costs us $120. Chief Kingston responds that we get quite a few items at Sams, including Polaroid film, which we all know is handy for parties when naked women jump out of birthday cakes.
The Chief’s report indicated the spectacular news that two of our reserve officers had baby girls on the same day, and with the same first name. We at NFBS are trying to confirm the rumor that the girls were conceived on the same double date.
Police car #3 had video equipment trouble which cost $295 to fix, including an oil change. No word yet on whether or not car #3 is Daniel Shame’s car.
Roy Kingsley is back to work after suffering a heart attack. Chairperson Hildecrust says he knows what he’s going through.
The floor then gets turned over to the Police Commission attorney, Charles Amnesia. He informs everyone that the department has been hit with three Freedom of Information Act Requests, which, according to him, were properly responded to. The Herald Palladium’s Tod Huntsell then stands to appeal Amnesia’s decision not to turn over the rest of Daniel Shame’s videotape. In particular, they are asking for the period from 5:00-8:30, or any other time when Shame was flirting with the ladies.
Jim Kingston’s reasons for NOT handing over the videotape are:
To prevent inference in police duty, to prevent the invasion of privacy, and to prevent the revelation of confidential informants.
Not to mention the fact that if he handed the tape over, Shame would get in a whole heap of trouble.
Attorney Amnesia says that if they hand over the entire shift tape, it could aid criminals. Particularly sidewalk supervisors and local buttinskies.
Amnesia implies that there’ve been allegations that the tape has been falsified. Hildecrust and Chaddwick, the only two commission members who’ve viewed the full tape, both admit that they are no camera experts, but the tape seemed real to them.
Ironically during this time, Curly Headed Sandy begins messing with her video camera while she tapes the audience at the meeting.
While Ernie and Jan lick the heels of Attorney Amnesia, Curly Headed Sandy is obliviously silent. Jihad Jan makes it all about money, insisting that they shouldn’t burden the taxpayer with these useless allegations. And Ernie begins crawling under the table, looking for his balls.
The Commission drops the subject for a moment.
Car #1 is to be auctioned off, by Bob Yooper. They can’t remember exactly how much they got for the last one, around $1700-1800.
This weeks’ budget is smaller than last week’s. This week’s is $789,100. The closest player to that amount without going over is the winner of the Showcase Showdown!
There was a plane crash out in Onoyoko Township. It was turned over to the FAA, after they realized that plane crashes needed to be turned over to the FAA. They asked the pilot but since he died on impact he wasn’t much help.
There was a gang fight at Anthony’s University. Apparently it was over some stolen pork.
The bookkeeper complained about cops not turning in all of their receipts from seminars. But who can blame them? So very few hookers give receipts nowadays.
Kingston defended his officers (big surprise there) by saying that sometimes when they drink a bit too much, they forget their receipts. We’ve all done it, he said.
It’d be much easier if they had a department credit card, he said.
Hildecrust said they have no trouble at the Township level, probably because those old farts don’t usually employ female escorts.
Curley Headed Sandy, the personification of oblivion, asks if the PD has a credit card.
Jan Chaddwick makes a motion that the hotel, seminar, and mileage would be paid for, but all else would need receipts to be reimbursed. In other words, Chaddwick’s motion doesn’t change a damn thing.
Now back to this tape deal…
Given the opportunity to deal with it then and there, Attorney Amnesia begins addressing the paper’s appeal. Jim Kingston takes the opportunity to peer over the lawyer’s shoulder as he reads from his legal pad. Amnesia tells the commission that before handing over the portion of the tape in question, the commission ought to view it to make sure there is nothing incriminating on it.
There’s a motion made and passed that leaves it up to Kingston and Amnesia to decide whether or not to hand over the tape. In other words, the commission washes its hands of the deal.
Bonii Didjaseedat makes a public comment, asking why she is not in the tape when she and one of her 92 children were standing on the sidewalk as Shame passed by. She also asks if she received a copy of the original police log.
Attorney Amnesia said he couldn’t answer that question, not because he doesn’t know the answer but because he knows how awful the truth sounds.
Kingston admits that Bonii received a copy of a copy of the log. The original log was copied, the copy was redacted (to eliminate potentially incriminating comments) and the redacted copy was copied and then given to Bonii.
Just before the closed session, Bonii makes another comment, saying that the commission is trying to shift the issue to time in order to sweep the real issue under the rug. That is, the fact that Shame was (and has admitted to) playing while on duty, during a time when someone could’ve been hurt or killed. Her comment is met only with silence, which speaks volumes.
Commissioners go into closed session for the second meeting in a row, kicking the audience out of the room.
Shallow Throat must remember a jacket next time.
When the closed session is over, approximately 40 minutes later, Jan Chaddwick announces that the Chief has been given permission to discipline Shame himself and if further instances arise, the commission will deal with it.
In other words, the whole meeting was a waste of time. Big surprise.
The meeting begins in the normal boring fashion: approving the last meeting minutes, approving the payment of the bills, and going over the financial report.
Mayor Jan Chaddwick questions whether or not we get our money’s use from our Sam’s Club membership, which costs us $120. Chief Kingston responds that we get quite a few items at Sams, including Polaroid film, which we all know is handy for parties when naked women jump out of birthday cakes.
The Chief’s report indicated the spectacular news that two of our reserve officers had baby girls on the same day, and with the same first name. We at NFBS are trying to confirm the rumor that the girls were conceived on the same double date.
Police car #3 had video equipment trouble which cost $295 to fix, including an oil change. No word yet on whether or not car #3 is Daniel Shame’s car.
Roy Kingsley is back to work after suffering a heart attack. Chairperson Hildecrust says he knows what he’s going through.
The floor then gets turned over to the Police Commission attorney, Charles Amnesia. He informs everyone that the department has been hit with three Freedom of Information Act Requests, which, according to him, were properly responded to. The Herald Palladium’s Tod Huntsell then stands to appeal Amnesia’s decision not to turn over the rest of Daniel Shame’s videotape. In particular, they are asking for the period from 5:00-8:30, or any other time when Shame was flirting with the ladies.
Jim Kingston’s reasons for NOT handing over the videotape are:
To prevent inference in police duty, to prevent the invasion of privacy, and to prevent the revelation of confidential informants.
Not to mention the fact that if he handed the tape over, Shame would get in a whole heap of trouble.
Attorney Amnesia says that if they hand over the entire shift tape, it could aid criminals. Particularly sidewalk supervisors and local buttinskies.
Amnesia implies that there’ve been allegations that the tape has been falsified. Hildecrust and Chaddwick, the only two commission members who’ve viewed the full tape, both admit that they are no camera experts, but the tape seemed real to them.
Ironically during this time, Curly Headed Sandy begins messing with her video camera while she tapes the audience at the meeting.
While Ernie and Jan lick the heels of Attorney Amnesia, Curly Headed Sandy is obliviously silent. Jihad Jan makes it all about money, insisting that they shouldn’t burden the taxpayer with these useless allegations. And Ernie begins crawling under the table, looking for his balls.
The Commission drops the subject for a moment.
Car #1 is to be auctioned off, by Bob Yooper. They can’t remember exactly how much they got for the last one, around $1700-1800.
This weeks’ budget is smaller than last week’s. This week’s is $789,100. The closest player to that amount without going over is the winner of the Showcase Showdown!
There was a plane crash out in Onoyoko Township. It was turned over to the FAA, after they realized that plane crashes needed to be turned over to the FAA. They asked the pilot but since he died on impact he wasn’t much help.
There was a gang fight at Anthony’s University. Apparently it was over some stolen pork.
The bookkeeper complained about cops not turning in all of their receipts from seminars. But who can blame them? So very few hookers give receipts nowadays.
Kingston defended his officers (big surprise there) by saying that sometimes when they drink a bit too much, they forget their receipts. We’ve all done it, he said.
It’d be much easier if they had a department credit card, he said.
Hildecrust said they have no trouble at the Township level, probably because those old farts don’t usually employ female escorts.
Curley Headed Sandy, the personification of oblivion, asks if the PD has a credit card.
Jan Chaddwick makes a motion that the hotel, seminar, and mileage would be paid for, but all else would need receipts to be reimbursed. In other words, Chaddwick’s motion doesn’t change a damn thing.
Now back to this tape deal…
Given the opportunity to deal with it then and there, Attorney Amnesia begins addressing the paper’s appeal. Jim Kingston takes the opportunity to peer over the lawyer’s shoulder as he reads from his legal pad. Amnesia tells the commission that before handing over the portion of the tape in question, the commission ought to view it to make sure there is nothing incriminating on it.
There’s a motion made and passed that leaves it up to Kingston and Amnesia to decide whether or not to hand over the tape. In other words, the commission washes its hands of the deal.
Bonii Didjaseedat makes a public comment, asking why she is not in the tape when she and one of her 92 children were standing on the sidewalk as Shame passed by. She also asks if she received a copy of the original police log.
Attorney Amnesia said he couldn’t answer that question, not because he doesn’t know the answer but because he knows how awful the truth sounds.
Kingston admits that Bonii received a copy of a copy of the log. The original log was copied, the copy was redacted (to eliminate potentially incriminating comments) and the redacted copy was copied and then given to Bonii.
Just before the closed session, Bonii makes another comment, saying that the commission is trying to shift the issue to time in order to sweep the real issue under the rug. That is, the fact that Shame was (and has admitted to) playing while on duty, during a time when someone could’ve been hurt or killed. Her comment is met only with silence, which speaks volumes.
Commissioners go into closed session for the second meeting in a row, kicking the audience out of the room.
Shallow Throat must remember a jacket next time.
When the closed session is over, approximately 40 minutes later, Jan Chaddwick announces that the Chief has been given permission to discipline Shame himself and if further instances arise, the commission will deal with it.
In other words, the whole meeting was a waste of time. Big surprise.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Chief Defends Bill Bennett
Broken Springs Police Chief Jim Kingston has gone on the record as the first person to publicly defend former Education Secretary Bill Bennett after he made the following comment on his radio show:
"If you wanted to reduce crime, you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down.”
The former drug czar and champion of morality defended his remarks by calling what he said a ‘hypothetical proposition’ that he does not advocate, much like Hitler never advocated gassing all the Jews.
Our own Chief Kingston has gone on the record in his defense of Bennett, calling him, “A good man who only believes in abortion if the paternity tests come out positive.”
“He does not condone the abortion of black babies,” Kingston told NFBS. “If anything, he thinks that too many black children are aborted, but that’s probably a blessing in disguise since the aborted babies can’t go on welfare.”
Several congressmen and women have called on Bennett to apologize for his insensitive remarks, but not Jim Kingston.
“I’ve sat side by side with Bill, usually at the nickel slots, and he’s not racist in the slightest. He even usually tips the waitresses of color just as much as he tips normal waitresses, even if they’re usually slower because they’re lazy. It doesn’t bother Bill. In fact, he often laughs about it,” said the Chief.
“Calling Bill racist is like calling me an incompetent thug with nepotistic tendencies,” remarked Kingston.
"If you wanted to reduce crime, you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down.”
The former drug czar and champion of morality defended his remarks by calling what he said a ‘hypothetical proposition’ that he does not advocate, much like Hitler never advocated gassing all the Jews.
Our own Chief Kingston has gone on the record in his defense of Bennett, calling him, “A good man who only believes in abortion if the paternity tests come out positive.”
“He does not condone the abortion of black babies,” Kingston told NFBS. “If anything, he thinks that too many black children are aborted, but that’s probably a blessing in disguise since the aborted babies can’t go on welfare.”
Several congressmen and women have called on Bennett to apologize for his insensitive remarks, but not Jim Kingston.
“I’ve sat side by side with Bill, usually at the nickel slots, and he’s not racist in the slightest. He even usually tips the waitresses of color just as much as he tips normal waitresses, even if they’re usually slower because they’re lazy. It doesn’t bother Bill. In fact, he often laughs about it,” said the Chief.
“Calling Bill racist is like calling me an incompetent thug with nepotistic tendencies,” remarked Kingston.
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